When I sit down to write these pieces, sometimes they morph or shape-shift into something different entirely.
The first run of this piece on “Grace” was shaped by inspiration to give examples of how grace shows up in the everyday, practical sense. I wrote 1.5 examples (I know, impressive lol) and then the intuitive feed paused. I said to myself, “Hmm, okay. Well, it’ll come through when it comes through.”
Now I sit at my computer very typically for pre-full moon energies at 2:17am on a very early Saturday morning and I’m realizing, “Oh, of course. Why would I fill in the blanks on how grace shows up when each person can do that for themselves in such unique and different ways than me.”
So instead, I feel called to share a beautiful, intimate way grace is blessing me at this point on my journey.
Firstly, let’s do our best to define grace. In doing some research, the most beautiful and true-in-my-bones definition I found was in Webster's New World College Dictionary. It includes this theological definition of grace:
GRACE: "The unmerited love and favor of God toward human beings."
(As always, if the word “God” doesn’t resonate for you, insert whatever name/word that suits you best.)
What I love, love, love about grace is that it's a gift. It's an unmerited gift.
Meaning, you don't have to DO anything or BE anything to receive it. It's given as a gift of love from the Divine just for being the truest version of you that you know yourself to be in any given moment. It shows up just because the Divine wants to love on you. How precious is that?
Part of my post-breakup-life is the continual embracing of, let’s call it, lesson #31 (you can read the 30 other lessons in my 3-part “Moving On” blog series for context).
LESSON #31: Put all your cards on the table right off the bat so people have a fighting chance to love the real you.
In the last month of my relationship, I realized how many metaphorical cards I was holding to my chest about who I was, what I wanted in life and desires I had. In a last stitch effort to magically make space for all the other parts of myself I hid from myself and him, I put all my cards on the table so to speak. Honestly, though, it was too late.
It was an absolute brutal realization. If I’m being honest, I still had 60% of my cards to my chest at the end of a nearly 3 year relationship. That literally means that I only let 40% OF MYSELF be seen, known and loved in that relationship. W. T. F. Ouch.
Several of those cards related to my sexuality.
It wasn’t for lack of voicing some of my sexual desires that the cards were still clutched to my chest. At the time, when I voiced my desires, things like wanting to have a sacred, sexual, intimate partnership with a woman alongside my primary partnership, I was met with resistance in the form of (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Okay, you can go experience that, but we’ll have to break up first. You can go do that and then we’ll figure things out from there.” It was said in a tone that hoped I would get it out of my system and then we’d be good. Given that this knowing within me related to my sexual attraction to women has been living inside me since I was about twelve years old, this wasn’t just a phase.
To be clear, he was just mirroring back to me my own resistance.
As long as he was a no to it, I could be, too. It’s a convenient strategy, frankly, that kept my desires far away at bay somewhere out there. At the time, it gave me someone to point the finger at (even if only in my own head) that he won’t let me have what I want. But the truth was, I was so NOT prepared to let myself have what I wanted. You might be thinking, why would you want to be a “no” to your own desire(s)?
Well, because it scared the f*** out of me. Still does.
To have what you want can be a scary thing.
To have what you want when it lies outside of societal conventions can be a scary thing.
To have what you want when it lies outside of societal conventions when you’re terrified of unearthing this deeply buried part of yourself in partnership with someone you adore and don’t want to live without just to have this desire play out (not to mention what friends and family might think)...was a scary, scary thing.
*breathing*
Full transparency: I keep getting paralyzing pulses from my body to delete this whole thing. Freeze response. Trauma showing itself. Internalized homophobia. Internalized wrongness for liking women. I rationalize with myself, “I can just write it and never share it.” This is kinda a big deal for me at this moment on my journey. Taking it slow. Trusting this process. Thanks for being with me so far.
Phew. Okay. Yes. Grace.
This is grace in motion.
Just continuing to type these words is grace in motion.
Loving myself amidst the resistance to speaking my truth is grace in motion.
Recently, after a very rough summer emotionally relating to my body after gaining weight through my grieving process, I shifted the “spotlight” of my focus off the scale and onto what really mattered most to me: Pleasure, fluidity and increased range of movement in my body, particularly in my hips, lower back and womb space.
It’s not lost on me that as I’m embracing fluidity in my sacral chakra, I’m also embracing, here with you, my sexual fluidity.
You literally can’t make this stuff up. As above, so below. As within, so without. GRACE.
I’ve felt called to open up about my sexuality with my community not so much as a “coming out” (although I suppose it is that, too), but more so to shake up some stale, outdated, void-of-the-feminine paradigms around our sexual expression, around letting it be easy, around letting grace pour deep into our cells. To embody permission to find more ease by embracing more of who we are - in our relationships to ourselves, our bodies, our truths.
And wouldn’t you know it, grace keeps showing up to show me how possible my desires are. I’ve been the one pumping the brakes.
But what if that’s okay? GRACE.
What if I’m perfectly on time for me and my truth? GRACE.
What if my sexual desires and expression are not meant to fit into anyone’s boxes or labels? GRACE.
What if my sexual desires shift, grow and evolve as effortlessly and as rapidly as I shift as a spiritual being having a human experience? GRACE.
Extending myself the olive branch that are these possibilities, these questions, these moments of acceptance, is...grace.
When I allow myself to be exactly where I am as who I am, this is the Divine loving me through me.
I embody grace every time I accept that I’m in the in between…that I’m different than I was trained to be...
…that I’m way too friggin’ vast of a human to limit myself for a false sense of safety amidst other people’s beliefs and constructs for what I’m allowed to be. THAT’S GRACE.
It’s time to be brave. It’s time to embrace more of ourselves. It’s time to bring truths out into the light. It’s time to release, be with, transform the traumas we carry like suitcases, all while the Divine wants to pour light and love through us like the sacred vessels we are.
And when I say “it’s time,” I mean you get to choose your time. As you embrace even the slightest idea of sharing YOUR truths, listen...listen closely to your timing, to your safety, to your knowings.
Sharing these truths with you as a white, cis-gendered woman living in the United States of America looks very different (and very privileged) than it would someone of a different skin color, gender expression and/or sexual expression living in other corners of the world. Heck, its likely different for many on the very street I live on.
When I say “it’s time,” it merely means that there is a collective opening for these conversations. Maybe it’s with a trusted friend or sibling. Maybe it’s to your journal. Maybe it’s with your partner. Maybe it’s quietly out loud to yourself in the mirror. Either way, these conversations are happening everywhere if you take the time to look one layer deeper.
There are so many queer people all over the world that have made me SO BRAVE in owning my own expressions and truths. I’ve looked to them for inspiration. I’ve had countless moments where I say to myself, “How in the WORLD do they be THAT themselves out loud every damn day?” Seriously, though! I envy their freedom. I marvel at their creativity. I revere their courage to go first in their own ways. Them being themselves shows me that I can, too. GRACE.
You never know how you’re impacting someone else by speaking up with your truths.
I may be the first of “my kind” (whatever that means to you) that has ever shared her truths like this publicly. It’s likely not, but hey, the point is that you never know. You literally never know how you’re impacting other humans with your soulful truths. GRACE.
I get 1-3+ messages each week from people of all ages and walks of life thanking me for the words I share, the messages I communicate, the permission I give to let it be easy and the stories I tell from breakups to body love to healing my relationship with money, family, sexuality, etc. Every single time, I tear up in gratitude. Had they not paused to share those couple sentences of how my work impacted them, I literally would never know!
G R A C E !
If there is one thing that I experience as some of the PUREST GRACE there is, it is being a vessel for sacred messages like these. I feel so on purpose. I feel so linked up with God/Divine/Universe. It's as if God and me are holding hands and walking down the street together in an effortless conversation (also one of my favorite experiences of grace). I have no doubts. I have no hesitations. I’m just...me. And you. Here. Together. With truth, ease and love as our common ground. G R A C E.
I’m not sure where exactly I got the idea that my sexuality lived outside the bounds of the grace of the Divine, but given that its a very core part of who I authentically am, I no longer deem it necessary to separate it away from my identity, my being and my truth. That method of safety served me well for a long time. I’ve outgrown it now. And so, I welcome my evolution into more of who I am.
Hi. My name is Krystal and I am sexually fluid. I welcome all of me here. I welcome all of you, too.
I love you.
SACRED self-care questions for reflection:
How can I extend grace to myself today?
Where am I exploring my identity, sexuality and/or authenticity?
How has grace shown up for me recently?
What parts of myself do I hide away?
How can I try to integrate/welcome more of me to the table of my life?
What desires do I know are there but keep getting shoved to the back burner?
How can I embrace ease in my sex life?
Start your week with EASE in mind
(and get first dibs on my newest blogs and word art!)
Receive ultra practical ease and self-care tips, soulful word art, inspired beauty and a channeled ease note each Monday for the Easy Mondays Love Letter by joining me below!