MOVING ON: Part 1
Moving on is a complex, dynamic experience. Whether its moving to a new home, leaving a job to a more aligned one, leaving behind an old, dysfunctional relationship to your body, grieving the loss of a loved one in any form...our hearts need time to catch up to the changes on the physical plane.
And one guaranteed thing I know about moving on is…
It can be MESSY AF.
This time last year I was smooth sailing in my relationship of 2.5 years at the time. We were living together and loosely planning to become engaged somewhere over the next year.
I had just crossed paths with a spiritual teacher who, through participating in one of his online programs, I was meditating each morning with the phrase,
“I surrender my personal will into the hands of the Divine. I trust in the Divine’s plan for my life.”
Each morning I would feel the truth more and more, deeper and deeper into my cells. And each morning, I’d also hear a whisper in the back of my mind, “I hope he gets to come with me.” The thought of him not being in my life absolutely terrified me. It was visceral. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. It made me sick in my belly.
Perhaps that whisper was a foretelling knowing because within a month of beginning that mantra, things started to shift. My partner came to me expressing a desire to not live in our apartment anymore in order to not pay Orange County rent given some financial constraints he was feeling. He wanted to move in with a family member and offered for me to come with him.
It was the beginning of the end, but I didn’t know it. Because we were doing this life together and because I was “all in,” my response after the pure emotional shock of having my entire idea of home, security and safety jabbed at from the roots was to say,
“Well, we’re entrepreneurs. Let’s just make more money. We’ve done it before, so let’s do it again.”
I did my best to do exactly that. Created a new program. Applied for dog walking. Applied for virtual Project Management gigs. On and on I went and literally *nothing* was coming through. “Is it me?” I thought. “I’ve made money before in plenty of ways. Why is nothing coming through?”
LESSON #1: Here’s one thing about energetics in partnership I learned: When you’re wanting one thing to happen but your partner secretly wants something else to happen, you end up with: Inertia. Slow down. Static on the line. This is another reason I value wide open, transparent communication because I end up thinking one thing is happening while an entirely different thing is *actually* happening.
LESSON #2: Clear, conscious communication is STILL really, really important to me. It’s my job to keep my boundaries healthy around it, as in, remind others that those boundaries are there. And if clear communication is not happening, I need to honor my truth and decide accordingly, not just sweep it under the rug.
He moved out December 1st. We were still in relationship with each other but I walked around with the heaviness in my heart of “what the f*** is happening here?” We now lived in different places which at first, for both of us, was a relief! Which, of course, was feedback to me for what was to come.
I traveled home to see my family for Christmas which wasn’t in the plans for the year but being in an apartment that was recently “ours”...alone...at Christmas...sounded like hell to me and honestly, I was not in a good emotional or mental headspace to survive that, too. And since paying Orange County rent all by myself very unexpectedly was also not in the plans, my parents bought me a plane ticket home. God bless them.
When I returned to OC, I really wanted things to work. I tried EVERYTHING. I looked under every single metaphorical rock in my life to try to find some way that he could stay in my life. The thing that I couldn’t reconcile, though, was that my deep trust in him and our relationship had been shattered. All I could think of is what would happen when we had kids, joint businesses and a mortgage? I would be sentencing myself to a life of walking on eggshells and I just couldn’t do that to myself because…self-care. Because...ease. Because...I can’t teach what I teach in the world and not take care of myself behind-the-scenes.
LESSON #3: I am worth being met FULLY. I make no compromises to fit in with anyone else’s priorities. I deserve 50/50 energetic input and balance as a baseline in ALL of my relationships.
LESSON #4: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
LESSON #5: My mental and emotional wellbeing is my #1 priority.
We broke up February 1st. We had a relationship closure ceremony together. It was the greatest gift I gave to myself by doing that. We said everything that was on our hearts to share. It’s strange because...there was still so much love there. SO MUCH. A crushing amount of love in my heart and I didn’t want to not be with him. But there was a clash of core values and priorities happening, mixed with a mismatch in communication styles, and we just couldn’t go on. Square peg, round hole.
LESSON #6: You can come to completion with someone and still love them with your whole heart.
The minute he walked out the door, I fell to my knees and cried heaving, guttural tears into the carpet. I was purging his energy. I was purging a way of being. I was purging a dysfunctional lineage cycle.
I had just chosen something that no woman in my entire lineage had ever chosen (to my knowledge). I chose my truth over my “comfort,’ “safety,” “survival,” and trauma.
LESSON #7: Your tears, your grief, your rage...are not just your own.
I was crying tears that had NEVER been cried by myself or any other woman who lived a life of emotional undernourishment, resentment and feeling unmet. I yelled and screamed with freedom and simultaneous rage that I pretended to be okay with what I was not okay with.
LESSON #8: Just because you feel what you feel, does not mean all is lost. My relationship was the best one yet and I have zero regrets. I learned endless things about myself, healed a ton and got to witness his growth of having me in his life, too. I send him love often and still dearly miss him being in my life. Dichotomies will riddle your path and allowing it all to be true without self-judgement is a beautiful, gentle gift to give yourself.
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